Monday, 10 October 2011

It's a battle of heart and mind...

"It’s hard to tell your mind to stop loving someone when your heart still does."

I’ve read some great quotes lately, and another which particularly resonated was, "The pain of having a broken heart is not so much as to kill you, yet not so little as to let you live.."

When the main holidays were over and the children went back to school, I was smacked in the face by reality, hence the lack of posts. I know you'll understand. Thank you for your lovely messages. They are a huge comfort, even if I don't always reply promptly ;)

Much of my limited free time I've wandered aimlessly, daydreaming, over analysing, and in between devoured the occasional self-help book as I tried to pick my way through the mess which had become my life.

But here I am, The Queen of fightback, sticking my head above the parapet to write this. As I type, outside there's a solitary swallow – probably the last of the summer, balancing on the telephone wire in the garden as it prepares to leave for a different climate. And as summer wrings its last few weak rays from the sun I’m struck by the parallels between the swallow and me. The summer has gone, and now it's time to move on to the next stage...

I’ve accepted my marriage is over, as surely as I concede that autumn means that most trees and plants die off to preserve their energy for the long winter months and to re-generate in the spring, anew. Start afresh. After the baby step progress I’ve been making, my epiphany feels like an empowering leap into the abyss that is the future. No more numbness; clinging and fighting, stumbling through the memories that are the past, searching for answers or to turn back time. It’s time to stop. Enough. I’ve had enough.

Six years ago, when it happened first time round I thought it was the end of my world but now, in between the emotional turmoil, I know it’s not. And occasionally I glimpse the fun-loving girl I used to be.

I realise I want to look forward, and grasp the future.

It doesn’t matter whether or not I still love him. I love myself more, and actually, if I’m being honest, I don’t love who he is now. The love in my heart is for the man I thought he was; the man he used to be. I’m tired of fighting for something that doesn’t exist any more; of analysing and second guessing what my ex is really thinking. With this realisation, I also see I’ve been clinging onto the past and to things that are out of my control. Any wonders it felt like I was trying to clutch for water flowing down a river. It's impossible to hold onto. The only control I have is over myself and my own actions, and its time to get a grip.

I still understand him, despite everything. Whether it’s just a temporary interruption – that normal service will be resumed soon – or whether he’s lost forever, I don’t know, and I can’t waste any more time waiting to see any more.I don’t want a man who lacks integrity, who isn’t as loyal and loves as unconditionally as me. I want inner peace and happiness back in my life. Its been missing too long. Every moment spent stuck on the past and him, trying to figure it all out is time wasted on re-building my life and future. No one else will do it for me. I need to champion my own cause, for me and the boys, so we can all strive to live, and move on.

We’re getting divorced. End of. I've filed the petition. I had to admit defeat. An unknown future is unnerving, but I'm not frightened of it any more, and I'd rather be alone forever than spend my time constantly looking over my shoulder, being second best, or waiting for it to happen again. It probably would. The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour, and having been here twice now, the chances of him changing and doing the right thing are pretty slim.

I'm brave enough to face it and who know's, it may even be exciting. In a few days when I have more time, I’ll share the coping strategies that I’m learning along this rocky path. Hopefully they may help someone else who may be in the same position as me if they are stumbling the same route and find my blog.

Until then I’ll leave you with a few more of my favourite quotes about moving on and letting go:-

"If someone you love hurts you cry a river, build a bridge, and get over it."

"If you can’t save the relationship, at least save your pride."

“When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
” — Alexander Graham Bell

“Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go.”
~ Hermann Hesse

One final one:-

"No matter who broke your heart, or how long it takes to heal, you’ll never get through it without your friends."

Thank you all for being there.

Until another day

Bye for now


Image Kate Hudson Blogspot


Crystal Jigsaw said...

Sweet, sweet lady. I didn't realise this had happened again. I don't really know what to say apart from I admire your brave and determined approach to finding that new life you SOOOO deserve. You are a beautiful person inside and out and how anyone could look elsewhere when they have you in their life is completely beyond my comprehension.

My love, CJ xx

Sallys Chateau said...

I love the final note about not being able to get through it without friends, how very true. You certainly find out who your friends are too, shed the one's who don't care they are not worth your energy. You know you are beautiful and worth so much more, one day someone will realise that too. xx

Irish Nomad said...

"It doesn’t matter whether or not I still love him. I love myself more. And actually, if I’m being honest, I don’t love who he is now. The love in my heart is for the man I thought he was; the man he used to be. I’m tired of fighting for something that doesn’t exist any more; of analysing and second guessing what my ex is really thinking. And with this realisation, I also see I’ve been trying to cling onto the past, and to things that are out of my control. Any wonders it felt like I was trying to grip water flowing down a river. Impossible to hold onto. "
This is so wise, so smart, so insightful;any woman who has been devastated by the actions of a man they thought was committed to them should read it and learn. I'm so proud of your hard-won attitude and think the man who has let you slip through his hands must be an idiot! Hugs, Jo.

Fennie said...

Wow Debbie! you were (are?) a stunner.
Good for you - move on - it's a long road and no-one knows where it's going to lead. The ship is moving again under it's own steam. The boiler is lit and the pressure is rising. You look back and can see where you were, but you aren't there anymore. Wish I were there to give you a hug. And you write about it so beautifully, compellingly - just go on writing, we'll read. We want to know the next instalment (at least when you are ready to tell us). Love Fenniexx

Rosemary Gemmell said...

It's good to see you back on your blog, Debbie - I've been wondering how you were getting on. You are a strong woman and will get even stronger as you cope each day.

I've always liked this piece of Chinese wisdom: 'Do not fear going forward slowly, fear only to stand still.' Take one step at a time.

cherie said...

You are beautiful, Debbie. Inside and out. Hooray for you, for moving omn, for being so brave in the face of your darkest hours. You are truly an inspiration.

Much love to you. I hope you'll find the strength and happiness you deserve.

Debs Carr said...

I've been wondering how you are and it's so good to see a new post from you.

You're doing so well and deserve to be happy and loved by someone who deserves you.x

Reasons said...

Very eloquently put. The beginnings of a healing process have begun, it sounds to me. Wishing you strength and inner peace. Will e/mail.xx

Colette McCormick said...

I was thinking about you earlier today and wondering how you were. And now for the firsttome in ages I see a post from you - spooky. Can't imagine how you must feel but I want you to know that I am one of those sending you positive vibes. Take care.

Twiglet said...

Be strong and step into the future - there will be something even better waiting around the next corner. x Jo

Milla said...

What an arse that man must be!! Keep marching forward missy, you're fab and he is a fool. Kisses.

Faith said...

Well have to agree with Milla! Wonderful strong post. Now take care of yourselves and let him live to regret it.

Keena said...

I've been thinking about and praying for you! So glad to hear that you are moving forward despite the pain. I will continue to keep you in my prayers....

Bish Denham said...

I'm glad you are making your way through the maze. It can't be easy, just remember to keep a hand on one of the walls and eventually you will get to the end and begin a new beginning.

mountainear said...

I'm with Milla too! Hasn't she got a way with words!

I'll be in touch re a day out at the end of the month if you're interested. Would be lovely to catch up. fx

Fred said...

Milla hit the nail on the head. You and your lovely boys are worth so much more.
Think of you often, even if I've been crap at keeping in touch! You know there's always a bolt hole up here, whenever you want it.
Take care

CAMILLA said...

Dear Angel,

Was just thinking about you recently and wondered how you were getting on.

I so wish I had your immense bravity, good for you for moving on, it is hard but things will get better, you are one amazing brave courageous sweet lady.

I so agree with Milla's words.!

You deserve all the happiness in life and for your lovely boys too. Remember we are here for you, sending over a great big Hug.

Love and hugs,

Frances said...

Debbie, Milla said it before I got here.

Do continue to value yourself ... you are a treasure. Step over that past stuff, even if it takes a bit of new leap of courage. Hey...we know that you are brave.

Let the lawyers do their thing making something legal and official.

Debbie, let yourself aim your eyes and heart to the new days yet to come. keep writing!


Rob-bear said...

So glad that you are pulling some things together, as difficult as that is. Up to the point of filing for divorce from a man you know longer know.
You are a wonderful, beautiful, capable person; that, I trust, will never leave you.
Oh, and about "the pain of having a broken heart." Physicians say that pain really does harm your heart.
Blessings and Bear hugs during the healing.

Posie said...

Ah I am just catching up, and have read your last three blogs and discovered the awful pain you are going through, thinking of you BSM.You have tread such a rocky road over the past few years, with so much worry and heartache, take care of your self. Your blog shines with positivity and you will get through this, but it must be so hard and scary. Sending my love,
Posie xx

elizabethm said...

As someone who has been where you are I know how impossibly hard it can feel. Stay strong. Let him go. There are better things to come for you and your boys. I often think of you although have been crap at keeping in touch. M and SBS coming up here for lunch on 31st. do you fancy it? Would be great to see you. xx

Writer Pat Newcombe said...

Moving on is never easy but you sound very brave and optimistic and that's exactly the attitude you will need for you and your boys! The very best of luck for the future!

Flowerpot said...

You brave lady. Your life will turn out all the better for this just you see. Take care xx PS There's another Helen keller one that says "The world is full of suffering and also of overcoming it."

Melissa Marsh said...

I can see such a strong, courageous woman in your post. Good for you. One day at a time!

Anita Grace Howard said...

"It doesn’t matter whether or not I still love him. I love myself more."

Bravo. And now your life starts anew. May every day bring you a fresh taste of strength and hope.

Suzanne Brandyn said...

This news has smacked me in the face. sorry to hear. You are strong..but no words will help you through. Nothing stays the same, and as you said, one door closes another opens. How true. love yourself, for not only you but your newlife ahead and for your boys.

Cherrie said...

I have lived what you are going through. Mine was 16 years ago right before Halloween. I am a stronger better woman and YOU will be too!

ordinary malaysian said...

A broken heart is such an intoxicating tonic! It makes every pore of your being alive and ticking. It makes you alive. You were dead and now you are live, again. Pain is such a beauty and gift that you should welcome it when it comes and drink deeply from it. You will come out (or up) of it better if you don't resist. You will be nourished, but don't rationalise and don't judge or justify. There is no need for these mind games. Without pain and sorrow, how would one understand joy? Pain and sorrow are just the obverse side of the same coin. They come and go. Don't clutch at the water, flow with it. If it brings pain, enjoy it. Yes, enjoy. Not in the morbid sense. But in the sense that one acknowledges its feel, its texture as a fact and let go. And when the water brings joy, as it inevitably will, no worry about this, then too enjoy the joy, feel its taste, its texture and don't feel guilty about it. Guilt is the greatest destroyer of joy, a massive betrayal of the divine. Enjoy the joy and enjoy the pain, and what is there left but you? Be like the swallow you talk about. It has great mobility, it flies with the wind, it cares not about pain or joy. At least it doesn't - the way we smart humans do! Haha, you will be alright. You will laugh and you will cry. But it is alright. You are human, aren't you? And divine to boot. How can you be less then a swallow?! So, cheer up!

Norma Murray said...

I'm catching up with posts I've missed. So good to see you still fighting. The man has never deserved you. He didn't last time, and he certainly doesn't now. Keep on going forward, and most importantly, keep on writing
love Lampie

decca1311 said...

For along time now, I've stumbled along, not knowing where I'm going. Having read this blog, I realise I've not been going anywhere. I've been on a treadmill of sour memories. A leash tied to the gate of an unkept garden. Thank you Debs. Reading your words has given me the strength to pull hard enough and be released. It's time to cut back the weeds, fork over the soil and replant a new future and in time the blooms and the beauty will grow. Amazing Grace. Thank you Debs, thank you.